My "WHY"

INTRODUCTION

First off, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Mike Joy. I am a retired firefighter having served a 30 year career with the City of Vancouver. I retired with the rank of Captain in 2005. In fact as I pen this, it is on the eve of my retirement some 20 years ago. to the day. I am also the current Provincial Secretary of the Municipal Pension Retirees' Association (MPRA) and the creator of this web site.

Shortly after taking on my role last year, I proposed creating a section on our existing website focused on increasing mental health awareness. I believed it was essential to offer our members the tools and resources needed to manage the challenges encountered upon entering retirement. Now, a year later, we are prepared to share this information, which we consider vital for your overall well-being.

The "WHY" Part

This post primarily deals with my experiences over the last few years, however it goes well beyond that, reaching back to the start of my career some 50 years ago., but that is for another time. I would like to address the "WHY" part ...the reasons this site was created.

I am however, embarrassed to say it has taken me more than 17 years to understand what happened to me once I had retired. Finally coming to terms with how my chosen career had affected me over those years as an active firefighter, in addition to the many years following my retirement. So please bare with me.....

To start, I think we would all agree the years of COVID were physically trying and socially disruptive. For me personally 2022 was really the tipping point. I had lost a close friend near the end of the previous year, suddenly without much warning. I remember the phone call he made to me explaining he would not be making a trip to Car Week in Monterey. We had been planning this trip for a number of months now and actally confirmed the intineray just a few weeks before this final call. He did not go into much detail for the reasons why but I could feel his pain in his voice, struggling to explain the reason why. He died the next day. I could not make sense of all this, nor did I get a chance to say my goodbyes to him in the appropriate way. That brief phone call was all I could hold on to.

In the coming months there were a number of my brothers (firefighters) 5 to be exact, that I was close to, all passed away from Cancer. No services, no goodbyes.... just gone. They all played such an important part of my development as a rookie, so loosing them in this manner was very painful. They say that when people close to you die, a small piece of you dies with them. I was beginning to feel that agony.

As bad as the year of 2022 was up to that point, it was only to get worse. We had two retired members commit suicide that same year and two others that made unsuccessful attempts. One of whom was a close friend who opened up to me soon after his attempt, explaining the reasons why he attempted to end his life and the circumstances that surrounded his decesion. I was devastated, I had no idea, I flashed-back to a few years before I retired. It centered around a number of conversations with a firefighter who involved in a training program as part of the VFD promotion process. An Officers Exam if you will. In our casual exchanges he became increasingly agitated over a number of training issues. We talked about a number of strategies to deal with the presures of the process and the importance of maintaining a reasonable level of control despite the pressure he was feeling.

Without going into too much detail, this member was having difficulty trying to maintain his composer. Conversations were becoming shorter with little indication he was finding a resolve. In one of our last encounters I could see his demeanour continued to worsen. When I returned for my next shift I learned he committed suicide not far from our firehall on his way to work. The guilt and helplessness that came over me when I heard the news was overwelming. How could I have missed this. Why did I not say something or reach out to find him proper support. It took a consderable time for me to deal with the guilt I was feeling. I have learned over the years the guilt never goes away. It merely lingers.... Snap back to reality, now hearing the comfession of my friend dealing with the stigma of a failed suicide I was not going to allow him the go through this withour help. I reached out and found him a resource he could rely on. I can say now that this individual is much better today and enjoying once again his time in retirement.

As 2022 was now finally drawing to close, with the hope the next year would be better. Unfortunatly more bad news was about to rear its ugly head yet once again. Just a couple of days after Christmas we recieved news of another suicide of a Vancouver retired firefighter who took his life on Christmas Day. It is fair to say this news was devestaing for his immmediate family but it seemed to strike a cord with many of the retired members in this particular commmunity. To say there was such heightened level of frustration would be a gross understatement. We did not how to make any sense of what has just happened. It was the culmination of the many suicides over that year and the many questions that were raised and the absence of meaningful answers that was really the tipping point for our group. We needed to make some sense of all this, we needed answers, we needed to understand more.

With that, a celebration of life was organized by a retired memeber of our group who was no stranger to suicide. He himself had been in this situation at least twice since retirement, only to reconsider the outcome. This individual knew what to say and more importantly how to express himeslf and the issues related to suicide ideations. So with that in mind, close to 40 retired Vancouver Firefighters gathered on Vancouver Island on the January 27th, just out side of Nanaimo to pay tribute to a fallen brother and talk about this tragedy.

I make note of the date for a couple of reasons. One, It was the first time for myself that I had participated in any like event since I retired, some 17years ago. I was terrified and anxious how I would be recieved after such a long period of self imposed isolation from a group of brothers that I leaned on, shared so many good times, fears and tears my entire carreer. It was very awkward to say the least.

I am not going into any detail about the conversations that took place that day. Only to say that is was very enlightening to hear and take part in the discussions that were taking place, trying to reconcile what we were all going thru. Nearing the end of the meeting one member was visible shaken and struggling to express himself. Despite his situation he stood to speak to the group. This member had been retired for some 20 years at this point, but for whatever reason he wanted to share his pain. He was overwelmed with emotion while he told his story, eventually recognizing he needed help. He realized he was suffering some of the very same affects and signs as those who talked abour their mental wellness since retiring. It was remarkable to hear him say that the weight of carrying that burden for so many years, thinking there was something wrong with him was now lessened by hearing the plight of others was so theraputic. It was obvious to many that we had created a safe place to talk about such a sensitive topic....one's own mental health.

The second reason, it was the feeling I had returning home having regained that sense of belonging to our brotherhood once again. It was a feeling that I lost by circumstance to a degree but it was also a conscious decision I made so many years ago feeling I was no longer worthy as a part of our fraternity of firefighters. I was very appreciative of this opportunity to reconnect. Little did I know how important that feeling would play, moving forward.

But the most important reason that date carries such meaning, is I immediately started to reaearch the affects of retirement on firefighters. I found there was little clinical information available but I did find one piece that would turn out to play very important part in building our program of support for our group. It was a disertation by Dr. Jordana Pepper, who at the time was studying as a Forensic Psychologist in the US. Her paper dealt with the Psychological Affects of Retirement on Retired Firefighters. This paper carried a signifacnt meaning for me personally as it helped in explaining many of the symptoms I was experiencing since I retired. I remember as I was reading the documemt, alarm bells (pardon the pun) were going off. It was an unsettling moment reading the information but it did offer some direction to combat some of the mental health aspects of retirement I was experiencing.

In conclusion, it is clear that there needs to be increased awareness of the mental health of retired seniors. Although this post focuses specifically on firefighters, my research shows that many of the same issues are equally prevalent among those who are not first responders. Everyone needs to feel connected, a sentiment emphasized during COVID. The loss of our social interactions is a critical component of our social well-being and overall mental and physical health. While other factors also play a role, the sense of belonging and self-worth is a powerful emotion. Personally, this was one of several issues I struggled with for years and sometimes still do. I truly believe there should be more focus on mental well-being upon entering retirement. By discussing these issues, we can help reduce the stigma associated with mental health matters.

Hopefully this post has provided some insight into "Why" this web site is so important.

I've occupied quite a bit of your time and would like to share more later, so I'll pause here. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my perspective. Take care, and remember you are not alone.